Fly on the Wall July 2014: The Soylent Green Edition

Fly on the WallWelcome to this month’s installment of Fly on the Wall brought to you by Karen of Baking in a Tornado and all things funny.  “What’s this?”  You might ask.  It’s snippets of everyday life compiled into one post.  Sometimes funny, sometimes touching, and always interesting.  These posts are all published simultaneously in a group format-so don’t run away when you’re done here.  Keep going all the way to the bottom, and check out some of my fellow flies and their doo doo. 

Waiting patiently for the fireworks on the 4th!

Waiting patiently for the fireworks on the 4th!

Is it wrong to run in the room and yell “Kill! KILL ALL THE THINGS!” and then run out when your husband is playing Skyrim? Asking for a friend.

************************************************

Me: What are you guys going to do this afternoon?
The Professor: I want to go play pretend some more with my new character I created. He’s a ninja turtle and his name is Adam.
The Princess: Me too, my new character is Victoria Secret.

You can’t make this stuff up, people. And I should probably start buying my underwear and bras at Target…

*************************************

The Princess, upon seeing the commercial for those stupid Teddy Tanks: I WANT THAT!!!!
Me: You want everything.
The Princess: I changed my mind about everything else. I just want that.

WTF is a teddy tank?

WTF is a teddy tank? This.  Hell no.

Today I was told by a little boy I have superpowers.  Not sure what they are yet, but I’ll take it.

**********************************************

Evil Genius:  Do we have any chili?
Me: Yes… but I don’t know if you’re going to like it. I got it to try, it’s from Aldis.
Evil Genius: It’s probably not made with real meat, probably made of people.

It’s chili, dear, not Soylent Green…

*********************************************

Me to The Princess: Don’t forget the zoo is coming to the library tomorrow.
The Princess: Oooo! Will they bring animals?
Me: Yes, but I can’t remember off the top of my head what they’re bringing.
The Princess: Ohhhh! Maybe they will bring a giraffe!
Me: Now how would they get a giraffe up here (our local zoo is almost an hour away)?
The Princess: Maybe if he was taking a nap?

***************************************************

I’ve decided that summer vacation is just one really long argument with my kids.  The topic may change, but the arguing just goes on and on…

The Professor: What actor has been in most of the movies?
Me: Which movies?
The Professor: Most of the movies.
Me: Like a certain series or something?
The Professor: No, I mean most of the movies.
Me: You mean like most of all of the movies ever made?
The Professor: Yeah.
Me: Oh, I can’t even begin to answer that question.
The Professor: Well whoever it is, that’s my favorite actor.
(Later he recanted and said it was Robert Downey Jr and the guy that did the voice of Emmet in the LEGO movie.)

The Princess and her dream car.  A purple convertible.

The Princess and her dream car. A purple convertible.

Both kids got to get their picture taken with their dream car at the car show on the fourth of July. Naturally they wanted to see their pictures right away. Me being the former teacher I tried to make this a teachable moment.

Me: “You know when your dad and I were kids, we didn’t get to see the pictures immediately. We had to send them off to be developed, IN THE MAIL. And had to wait for them to come back in the mail.”

Evil Genius: “We had to wait WEEKS!”

Both kids: *GASP*!

The Professor and his dream car.  It looks like the Batmobile!

The Professor and his dream car. He says it looks like the Batmobile!

Funny how as soon as the mom returns to the house that the children are suddenly starving.

****************************************************

The Princess, coming down the stairs with her porcelain tea set.  “Would you like some coffee?”
Me: “Sure.”
The Princess:  “Would you like creamer or sugar or both in your coffee?”
Me: “Both.”
The Princess:  “Would  you like some dessert to go with your coffee?”Me:  “Why not?”
The Princess, watching me drink my pretend coffee and eat my pretend dessert.  “By the way, I put butter in the coffee.”
Must be a Paula Deen recipe.

Selfies at the races.  Not sure who the guy is.

Selfies at the races. Not sure who the guy is.

I put this one in here just for Karen… Note to spammers to help you improve the efficiency of your spamming:  Putting the word SCAM in your description kind of defeats the purpose.

*****************************************************

Evil Genius: I just had Mexican stuff on hot dog buns. It’s kind of like laundry day for food. (The day before grocery day…)

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And it was delicious…

Now you promised… go buzz on over to the other doo doo…

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                          The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                                   The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                          Follow me home . . .

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                  Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://www.gomamao.com                                    Go Mama O

http://www.kimulmanis.com                                    Kim Ulmanis

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com                        Dates 2 Diapers 2

http://dinoheromommy.com/                            Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                         Someone Else’s Genius

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                      Battered Hope    

Lego My Sanity: A Bit of a Rant

Use Your WordsWelcome to this month’s Use Your Words Challenge!  Bloggers participating in this challenge literally get to swap words to use in their posts, and the resulting masterpieces are all published at the same time for the world to read! 

The words I was given this month are: White ~ Table ~ Legos ~ Hair Brush ~ Tube

They were submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/

Be sure to see what other bloggers came up with by following the links at the bottom of the post.  Now read on for my little rant!

They get it honest.  Honest.

They get it honest. Honest.  I’m constantly reminded just how mean I am because I did not permit him to purchase this $400 set.

In case you haven’t figured out by reading some of my older posts, we are a lego family.

I love legos, because they encourage creativity and problem solving and all of that jazz for two children who would rather be parked in front of a television most of the time.  My kids would be content to play with legos all day long some days.  That’s cool, because it keeps them well entertained.

I also hate legos, because my children never pick them up.

Apparently legos are so much fun that we can never be done playing with them completely.  “But I’m not finished yet!” are the words of protest met most often when we have to quit building to do silly things like eat your supper, go brush your hair with a hair brush so you don’t look like an orphan child when we leave the house, or get ready for bed.

They were delighted when the Easter Bunny delivered these guys.

They were delighted when the Easter Bunny delivered these guys.

We tried establishing a specific area in the room adjacent to our living room where the legos could congregate.  There is a table set up specifically for building with legos, but instead it functions more as another place to put legos that are not being used.  The legos that are “being used” are all over the floor.

A perfect example of what really grinds my gears when the legos are out:  The Princess must only use white legos to construct her house of awesomeness.  That means that approximately 90% of the other legos must be thrown aside as she searches for those particular bricks.  On the floor.  Where they can be stepped on.

Imagine my chagrin when my husband gave in to the children’s request to bring the BIG container of legos in from storage.  So instead of just two somewhat large containers we bought at Christmas time, we also have one giant rubbermaid tub that has been sitting in the living room for quite some time.  It’s currently off limits.  Because Mom is tired of stepping on legos.  And Mom is mean.

Whoever put this up must be a parent with at least two young children.

Whoever put this up must be a parent with at least two young children.

Yep that’s right.  Currently I play the role of the bad guy because I’m constantly threatening to donate the legos lying about in the play room to a child who will take care of them and because I won’t run out and buy them a copy of The LEGO Movie.

Why haven’t I bought the LEGO movie?  Do I really want to hear “Everything is Awesome” 12000 times a day?  It’s already bad enough that I hear “Where’s my pants?” constantly.  I’m sure I’ll break down eventually-maybe when school has started and we aren’t together 24/7.

My solution to the LEGO problem naturally  would be  a big vacuum  tube.  Simply put it in the center of the room and all the bricks would be sucked up, kind of like that thing on the sand crawler on Star Wars.  You know, the one that sucks up R2D2?  Wouldn’t that horrible?  Not permanently, of course, just sucked back into their big old container.  Or to just take all the legos and make one big long road with them.  Instead of telling people to follow the yellow brick road, it would be to follow the lego brick road!  Sorry kids, you can’t use those bricks, it’s part of my road so people can find stuff.

Thank you for joining me for my little rant.  Now I want to hear from you.  Do your children possess a toy that you both love and hate? Is there something that your kids simply will not pick up no matter what you threaten?  I’d love to know that I’m not alone.

http://bakinginatornado.com                                Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/                              Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/         Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com                        Dates 2 Diapers 2

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/                  The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://themomisodes.com                                    The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                   Someone Else’s Genius

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                 Follow me home . . .

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com             Crumpets and Bollocks

Cheesecake Murdered My Oven and Other Ridiculous Theories

It was Captain Cheesecake in the kitchen that did it.

It was Captain Cheesecake in the kitchen with the raspberry goodness that did it.

Perhaps you too felt the disturbance in the force on Monday, June 23rd, 2014.  When a thousand voices cried out and were suddenly silenced.  What were those voices saying?

No.More.CHEESECAKE!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Cheesecake killed my oven.

That’s right, you read correctly.  My oven was put to an untimely demise by evil food.

It started with sweet potato fries that wouldn’t cook.  An oven that took way too long to heat.  When I gave up and said screw it because I couldn’t wait any longer.  We ate sweet potato fries that were not quite done.  Disgusting?  A little bit.

(On a side note, I give up pretty easily on most activities in the kitchen, especially if it involves washing dishes, so that’s no surprise there.)

Then there were other signs that I continued to ignore following the chewy and slightly squashy sweet potato fries.  Finally, upon smelling a weird but not quite traditional “gas that might kill us all” smell during cooking our Sunday dinner, I decided to call the utility company Monday morning to check it out ‘just in case”, and took off for work.

By the time I came back home for lunch, I was greeted with this attached to my stove:

That's bad.  Very very bad.

That’s bad. Very very bad.

Apparently my oven is so dangerous it must be put to death.  The guy from the power company talked to me at length about how I shouldn’t try to cook anything because I could blow up.  He seemed really, really concerned about me blowing myself up.  He kept reiterating it, because it must have seemed like I enjoyed living dangerously, suggesting that we might want to turn off our gas as a precaution.

Ha!  My utility company really doesn’t know me all that well.  I’m kind of sad about that.

The one saving grace was that we are at least permitted to use the stovetop.  That’s good news, considering I just wrote about boxed macaroni and cheese for a friend  (Note:  Click on that link with caution… the inmates there are a little rowdy and might not be for the faint of heart, lol.)

I thought about that fact that my house has it out for appliances.  Most that enter it don’t last too long.  But the oven?  While not beautiful or fancy it certainly lasted a long time.  Ten years.  It was the only appliance that made the ten mile journey from trailer to house.  The trip that included casualties such as a computer desk flying out of the back of the truck and shattering all over the county road and a vacuum cleaner that decided it no longer wanted to suck.

This oven, it was a survivor.  And after a whole ten minutes of thinking about it, I got to thinking that all those cheesecakes that Evil Genius has been making surely contributed to its demise.

You delicious evil cheesecakes you.  YOU did this.

But moving on, one can survive without an oven, right?  Is it so bad not having the option of chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, or enchiladas whenever we want?  It’s nothing the world’s smallest toaster oven can’t handle, correct?

Or cheesecake…

Ironically enough, the same week as the oven’s death was proclaimed loudly from the rooftops Evil Genius’s workplace decided to have a cook-off.  Employees were instructed to bring what they made best.

Coincidence?  Perhaps.  Conspiracy to make sure that the Cheesecake King didn’t get to continue his reign?  Well you just never know.

Not to be defeated, Evil Genius decided to pull out the long banned recipe.  The thing that is forbidden in our household that is rarely spoken of: The Evil Peanut Butter Bars.  He carefully crafted these spectacles of sin while I sat in the living room, crying over a laptop that wouldn’t start.  Lost photos, work lesson plans, and an 800 page work of fiction that I had been working on since early this year.

I blame the cheesecake.

On Saturday we will attempt to go pick out a new oven that we both agree upon and hopefully won’t have the word Chefmate or Hotpoint anywhere in the name.  And additionally I will hope to find that a new power cord will revive my poor little laptop, or you might be hearing another voice crying out in agony.  That would be me, being strangled by my husband…

Just in case you wanted your pants not to fit, here's the recipe that will make that happen.  No baking required.

Just in case you wanted your pants not to fit, here’s the recipe that will make that happen. No baking required.

Touring the World One Word At A Time

If I only could write something...

If I only could write something…

Struggling to write something amusing is tough when you’ve got the blues, yo.

I’ve been dealing with a major depressive episode for months.  It’s not going away, it’s not getting better, and there are some days when I pretty much hate myself.  And blah blah blah.

But enough about me.  I got a chance to tour the world, and I think it’s pretty cool.

Marcia from Menopausal Mother tagged me in this fun little blogging game.  So maybe I DO have to tell a little more about me.  I had to answer these four simple questions and then choose three bloggers I love who will hopefully jump in and also answer the four questions and tag three bloggers they love and things of that nature.

If you’re a blogger, you know that there is no such thing as four simple questions…

1.  What am I working on?

Trying to find material that is interesting, relevant, and does not simply contain the words fart, butt, pee, poop… you see where this is going.  I live with two elementary schoolers who think that stuff is to die for.  Kids, they’re funny creatures, except when they’re not.

Currently I am working on getting to bed before 2 am most nights.  So far I am not successful.  I also might get published in something sometime soon… stay tuned for that.

2.  How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I am a mom who blogs, but I don’t feel that I really fall under the mommy blogger category.  I have a child who has some special needs (ADD, sensory issues, other stuff that may never be diagnosed), but I don’t really belong in that category either.  I do believe that we geek moms who like NASCAR are a rather unique social subgroup, don’t you?

The Sadder But Wiser Girl as Tie-Dye Girl!  Saving the world from dullness, one color at a time.

Yeah I’m unique all right…

In other words, I don’t really belong anywhere, right?  Who’s with me?  Bloggers With No Niche, UNITE!

(I really like acronyms.  That’s totally a thing.)

3.  Why do I write what I do?

I originally started blogging as a way to write down my thoughts.  The thoughts weren’t so nice at first.  But as time went on I started writing with my own warped sense of humor.  And my humor is definitely not one size fits all, as I rediscover daily whenever I share something on Facebook.

Like this picture.  I was rolling, dying when I saw this.  I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it?????

Like this picture. I was rolling, dying when I saw this. I shared it on Facebook. Crickets. Do you get it????? Source unknown

So when I actually do write, I do it because something motivated me to write, or because someone made me do it.  You know who you are.  ;-)  I really do hope to get to a point where I will be able to write regularly again.  Because no brains.

4.  How does your writing process work?

I get an idea.  I find my phone.  I put that idea on the notes on my phone.  I forget I have an app for that.  Then I remember I have an app for that, and I stare at something I wrote and cannot fathom for the life of me what that was.

So my process isn’t exactly yielding a lot of product right now.  Maybe someday…

sweet baboo

Who do I love?

Three bloggers that I love… This part was so hard because there are so many blogs that I love.  I wanted to choose three from that long list that are not as well known writers that I think deserve some extra attention from all of the famous people that I’m sure are going to come read this.

All The Everydays (the blog formerly known as Mama Schmama).  Jean and I share a similar sense of humor, not to mention that she is one of the nicest people on the planet.  I do really think that we are long lost sisters.  She claims that she is a stay-at-home mom and a former teacher in the about section of her blog,but I can tell you that as a mom you are also a teacher all day long every day.  She’s not fooling anyone!  :-)  Please go over and check her out!

Sarah’s Brand New Chapter The one and only Miss Sarah Balding is a fellow Sarah, librarian, and geek.  She is definitely on the list of bloggers I want to meet someday!  I love her writing and feel that if we lived closer to each other, we’d hang out regularly.  Maybe even at the library.  Stop over, say hi, and read some of her awesomeness!

The Regular Guy NYC I don’t live anywhere near NYC, but I can live vicariously through Phil.  He visits some great places to eat, and he always posts stuff that makes me giggle.  If you live in the area, or even if you don’t, he deserves a peek or two!

So that’s all she wrote.  Really, that’s all I wrote!

 

Fly on the Wall June 2014: The Pants Party Edition

Fly on the Wall

Some flies have all the fun… welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall, where you can spend time spying on us and hearing all those little conversations we’re having in our house that sometimes are even amusing. 

Each month I partake in this special group event.  All of the participants write their posts and they all go live at the same time!  It’s like a marathon of your favorite TV show just much, much better!

For those of you who know how prolific a writer I used to be, thanks to a busy schedule and a major depressive episode that has now dragged on for far too long I have not been able to write much of anything.  This is the one thing that I have been able to stay active in as a blogger, and I just wanted to give a shout out to Karen of Baking in a Tornado for being understanding and not telling me to go away.  Will I ever get back to writing on a regular basis?  Will I ever feel funny again?  That remains to be seen…

Now, read the nonsense and foolishness that goes on in my house and then be sure to see what goes on in my friend’s houses by clicking on the links at the bottom of the post!

 

We have entered the dreaded stage of childhood in my house where everything inappropriate is funny.  It does not matter, if it contains the word underwear or toilet in it, it is HILARIOUS to my children.  I’m talking rolling on the floor laughing because a song had underwear in it.  So the cuteness doesn’t exactly abound in my house because my children are too busy trying to make each other laugh by saying inappropriate words:  poop, butt, fart, you name it.

As a humor writer whose most famous posts involve peeing my own pants and being a poop detective, yeahhhh… not so funny.

I am easily amused by brand names.  I truly think this is one of the best names ever.  Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants...

I am easily amused by brand names. I truly think this is one of the best names ever. Now I must decide if I want a regular or an overnight party in my pants…

Evil Genius: “FINALLY! I got turned into a vampire. Now all I have to do is make my imaginary friend real and turn him into a werewolf so I can marry him and get on with what I’ve been trying to do.”
He’s been playing the Sims.  What did you think he was talking about?

From the living room I can hear what sounds like screams of torture from the backyard.  I go outside to see both kids sitting on the swings, screaming at the top of their lungs.
“HEY!  Knock that off!”  I yell.
“But mom, we’re doing burps!”
I might want to rethink what kind of food I’m serving my family…

Evil Genius:  “Leave some milk for morning. I eat my Fruity Pebbles like a MAN! With milk!”

I told the kids for every minute that they played outside this afternoon, they could play Minecraft. It was tough, but they stuck it out and played for a whole HOUR in the great outdoors.  Guess what?  They didn’t die!

This is part of what I do for my paid job.  These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval.  All in the name of science, right?

This is part of what I do for my paid job. These are marshmallows, each plate microwaved at a different time interval. All in the name of science, right?

Evil Genius:  “I hope we have enough sugar.”
Me:  “I just bought you a new thing of sugar, it’s sitting on the counter!”
Evil Genius:  “Yeah, but it’s only five pounds, and I’m making a cheesecake.”

Memorial Day weekend:  There was racing on all day and we were making fried food.  According to The Professor it was the best day ever.

Evil Genius:  “By the way, there’s an egg in the butter.”
The Professor: “Why is there an egg in the butter?”
Me: “Didn’t you know, it’s reproducing. Butter lays eggs.”
Just a little normal dinnertime conversation in our house…

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park.  Priceless.

The Princess of Pink Perfection at the Park. Priceless.

Take any noun and insert it in the blanks:

“Why did the guy put the _________ in the refrigerator?”
“Because he wanted a cool_________.”

Now, repeat 700,000 times in a row, inserting a different noun EVERY time you tell it. Make sure to laugh hysterically EVERY time.

My children. That’s right, they will never be comedians.

The Professor tries out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

The Professor tried out tennis this summer, and looked very cool doing it.

I almost missed going to the gym because my husband was out shopping for shoes.  Then he came home and made a cheesecake… backwards?

Did you know I’m famous?  Good things happen when you share recipes with friends.  I’m sharing this on here, because my friend Amy is awesome and so is this recipe!  http://funnyisfamily.com/2014/06/crock-pot-chicken-and-noodles.html

Don’t forget to visit these other homes and buzz around a bit!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                  Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                               Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                         Black Sheep Mom

http://www.gomamao.com                                Go Mama O

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                            Battered Hope

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://elleroywashere.com                                      elleroy was here

The Bog of Undetermined Stench: Tight Pants Not Included

baking in a tornadoThis month in an effort to get my butt back to writing, I took part in a new challenge hosted by the brilliant mistress of mouthwatering recipes Karen of Baking in a Tornado.  The peeps involved in this group post picked 4-6 words or short phrases for someone else to turn into a masterpiece.  Each word is used at least once, and each blogger receives their own unique set of words submitted by another blogger.

Fun?  Of course! I received the following words to use in this post:  unexplained phenomena ~ beastly ~ evidence ~ hair ~ investigative journalist ~ backwoods

They were submitted by the lovely Robin at Someone Else’s Genius!

In my house these days there is this unexplained phenomena known as the “undetermined stench”.  This is not to be confused with the bog of eternal stench, believe me there is no David Bowie in tight pants dancing around singing about it.

And that is such a pity.  This smell just may very well merit a song or two in tight pants.  However since we don’t have actually own any such things in our house, you’ll have to settle for me typing this in yoga pants.

Being the mother of two children with questionable toileting habits as well as working in child care for more than ten years, you would think that I would have built up considerable tolerance to all things stinky.

As it turns out not so much.

You see, much like the piles of laundry and the legos that seem to breed in the playroom, I seem to be the only one who even takes note of this foul fetor.  I notice it most when I first return to my house after being gone.  I come inside and start running around the house, smelling everything in my quest to figure out what the heck that beastly stench is and where it’s coming from!  Despite all the evidence that my nose seems to be gathering, I’m at a loss.

I can’t say it’s my power of super smell, because if that’s the case don’t you think I’d already have located it?

I shouldn’t be surprised, after all my abode seems to be the breeding ground for all kinds of hair-cat hair, dog hair, human hair.  Why not add a bit of funky smell to the mix as well?

At one point this week I attacked my couch, convinced that there was some sort of evil stanky force at work.  I washed everything that was washable, vacuumed and febrezed what was left.  While it gave my mind a little rest, the next time I came downstairs, there was that icky smell!

Nooooooooooo!

The sink with its neverending pile of dishes doesn’t always smell so wonderful, it would certainly help if Evil Genius would replace the leaky garbage disposal with the brand new one in the box.  The one sitting next to the cupboard that the cat uses as a perch to stare at us from.

But I figured that’s not where the stench is coming from either.

The basement has its own brand of special scent.  Yucky icky smelly we’ve had a little too much rain at a time loveliness.  And cat box.  Yet that is not the source of the p.u.

I’m quite close to throwing in the towel and hiring some sort of private eye or investigative journalist to sniff it out and expose this thing wide open.

I don’t know why I should be concerned.  After all, it was only this past Christmas that we were up to our ankles in our own deep doo doo in the aforementioned basement, thanks to the tree in the front yard and a few too many doses of miralax.  What smells worse than that?  My nose should have long thrown in the towel, er, kleenex, after inhaling that particular odor.  It was enough to make me want to live like they do in the backwoods… nothing to flush, just a hole in the ground.

Yes folks it’s a good mystery. One that may continue to confound me for the rest of my days before I simply run from the house screaming.  At least I’ll be out in the fresh air!

Do you have stink in your sink?  A smell where you dwell?  Is it simply your loo that smells like poo?  Or an undetermined stench in your bench?  I’d love to know.

I’d like the record to note that I came up with multiple synonyms for something that stinks.  Now, unplug your nose and read on to see what words my fellow writers utilized so splendiferously.

http://bakinginatornado.com                                Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/                      The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                      Juicebox Confession

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                    Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                     Someone Else’s Genius

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                      Battered Hope

http://www.healingtomato.com                         Healing Tomato

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com             Evil Joy Speaks

Fly on the Wall May 2014: The Second Breakfast Edition

Fly on the WallWelcome to the May 2014 edition of the Fly on the Wall!  This month we are still abuzz at our house. Where have I been?  Interestingly enough, my boss was called for jury duty.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  The poor lady ended up being at justice’s beck and call for THREE WEEKS!  I was barely staying in the blogging game before that happened.  The good news is that I have several things that occurred over the past month that should give me plenty of fodder for posts, if I would only WRITE THEM!!!!

As of publication of this edition, my kids will be out of school for the year at 11:15 Central Time.  Today.  Yes you saw that right.  This is starting on May 23rd and out until August 14th.  Can you believe that????  

While you’re pondering that, read below what has occurred in my place of residence this past month.  Then afterwards visit some of the other participants in this month’s fly post by following the links at the bottom of the post.

First things first. Will insomnia render someone completely crazy or just mildly insane?
Asking for a friend.

The Princess:  “You’re my favorite Mommy that I’ve ever had.”
Me:  “I’m the only Mommy that you’ve ever had.  Unless you have one stashed under your bed somewhere.”
The Princess:  “I wouldn’t feed her so no.”

Words uttered in my house this past month: “Do you have the sound remote? I can’t hear the TV over the chicken.”

Evil Cheesecake Version #4.  White Chocolate Raspberry. I at least got to have some of the batter.  I didn't get any cheesecake.

Evil Cheesecake Version #4. White Chocolate Raspberry. I at least got to have some of the batter. I didn’t get any cheesecake.

Evil Genius (to the kids): What are you two talking about?
The Professor: Onions.
Me: Onions?
The Professor: The Princess thought the Memorial Union was the Memorial Onion.
Yeah I always get those two mixed up too…

We have something known as experimental music at our house.  This is when my children experiment playing the piano using various parts of their body.
“Use your feet!  Play the piano with your head!  Play it with your BUTT!”
How about not.

The cat kept sampling Evil Genius’s Diet Dr Pepper. I wasn’t sure if I should take it away or keep watching to see what it does to him…

The Princess made her own scrapbook with her own pictures in it as reasonable fascimiles to real life.  Can you tell what she wrote as the caption on this one?

The Princess made her own scrapbook with her own pictures in it as reasonable fascimiles to real life. Can you tell what she wrote as the caption on this one?

Keep in mind that there are some very important questions to ask in life.
Like what kind of wine best compliments microwaveable macaroni and cheese?

The Professor spies me eating nutrigrain waffles.  His reaction?
The Professor:  Are you eating breakfast AGAIN????
I had to think about this for awhile.  Then it dawned on me that I had indeed eaten breakfast earlier that morning.  I had just forgotten.
Ah…Second breakfast.

The Princess played soccer this Spring.  Unfortunately, the silly weather we’ve had this spring has really mucked it up for some of us parents.  I got to attend one game the whole season.
I went and peed my pants from coughing so much.
The end.

Signs that maybe I need to NOT be on Facebook at all hours of the night when I can’t sleep: At some point I put Jay and Silent Bob on my list of inspirational people.

I just never know who is going to be waiting for me after school...

I just never know who is going to be waiting for me after school…

A few weeks ago they had themed days at school.  One of the days the kids were supposed to dress as a career that they wanted to pursue someday.  The Princess announces that she is going to dress like a Princess.
Me:  “A Princess is not a career, pick something else.  A career is like a job.”
The Princess:  “Oh yes it is.  A Princess’s job is to take care of her castle.  AND her people.”
She set me straight, yes she did.

Childhood Myth #491: If the dog pees on it, as soon as it’s dry it’s ok to play with.

I picked up the kids at school for The Princess’s six year old checkup.  As we were walking to my car, The Professor points to an apartment building and says “That is where my friend from school lives.  She lives in apartment 3D.”
He knows me too well, before I could even say anything he quickly added with a sigh “No mom, they do not do everything in 3D there.”
Fine, ruin all my fun.

I got the ultimate nerd compliments this past month.
1)  I was asked to list all of the Marvel movies in correct viewing order.
2)  I was asked all about the phone booth at the edge of town by several people assuming that I would know why there was a Tardis in rural Iowa.

This has got to be the most awesome t-shirt ever made in the history of universe.  I must have one.

This has got to be the most awesome t-shirt ever made in the history of universe. I must have one.

So as I said, today is the 11:15 dismissal.  Then we shall launch into 11 1/2 weeks of total togetherness with my two lovely children… Hold me.

Don’t forget to check out these wonderful blogs that are also participating in the Fly on the Wall this month! 

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                          The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                                   The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                     Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                                   Battered Hope

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                      Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                                 Menopausal Mother

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                 Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://sorrykidblog.com/                              Sorry kid, your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others

 

Truths of My Household: Random Observations of a Tired Mom

Sarah Almond:

Because I have been lousy, lousy, LOUSY at blogging lately due to life circumstances beyond my control-I thought I would attempt to reblog something Mom related for Mother’s Day. I’m sure some of you can relate. Happy Mother’s Day!

Originally posted on The Sadder But Wiser Girl:

I find the following in my life to be true at the moment:

If a woman gets up at the crack of dawn to do any sort of exercise without distraction, the preschooler in the house knows it and will get up too.

There is no surface in the state of Iowa that my seven year old has not licked.

The state of my house is rapidly deteriorating.  I think there is a mathematical formula in there about the age of your children being inversely proportional to the cleanliness of the house.

If I would take the time to clean out my car, there would no longer be any starving children in China.  I believe there is enough uneaten food in the backseat to solve that problem.

The more I sleep, the more tired I am.  The less I sleep, well…

My children watch too much TV.  My seven year…

View original 258 more words

It’s Spandex Time!

Those of you who know me well know that Menopausal Mother and I are blogging buddies.  A couple of weeks ago I took over her blog in quite villainous fashion.  In the past she and I have done guest posts for each other.  And quite often we stay up later than we should chatting on Facebook into the wee hours of the morning.

And now she’s going to rock the publishing world!

That’s right, my friend Marcia is going to have her very own book!  I am all verklempt, I feel like a proud auntie or something.  And I know that you will want to get your hot little hands on a copy all your own!  For more details about the book “Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF” you can visit her author site http://www.marciakesterdoyle.com and sign up for news of the official release here: http://bit.ly/1hPWQsO

And of course you can always visit her blog at http://www.menopausalmom.com

Flyer4Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings from a Middle-Aged MILF…is a humorous collection of stories based on Marcia Kester Doyle’s hilariously popular blog, Menopausal Mother. Take a ride on the midlife wild side with a wacky journey through menopausal pitfalls, raising a family in a madhouse, maintaining a spandex-worthy booty, and all points in between! Nothing is off limits!

The collection includes laugh-out-loud brain candy, such as “9 Signs You Might Be a MILF,” “How to Annoy Your Children,” “You Might Be Menopausal If…,” and “Menopausal Cuckoo,” along with some of her newer tales of midlife mayhem. With a dash of wit and a heavy dose of humor, this is the greatest therapy ever offered in book form…and cheaper than any therapist’s bill!
So hie thee over to Marcia’s page and say hello and congratulations!  :-D

Fly on the Wall April 2014: The Lame Edition

Fly on the WallBuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

What’s that infernal racket?  Oh, that is the sound you’d be making if you were a fly on a wall in my house.  At least that’s what the flies sound like that are currently here.  Maybe YOU would be extra quiet.

Why am I talking about flies? Don’t they just fly around and buzz in your ear and get in your garbage?  Au contraire-flies could very well be little spies, hanging around on your wall and getting an earful of your biznizz.

Fly on the Wall is a monthly good time, the brainchild of the lovely and very wise guardian of the baked goods Karen from Baking in a Tornado.  We participants are all posting at the same time, ensuring that you will get the pleasure of seeing what goes on at not just one, but MANY houses each time.  After you’re done reading my post, please click on some of the links to see what is going on in other houses around the blogosphere.

I have entitled this one “The Lame Edition”, because this last month stands to be the lamest one yet as far as fly content!  Where is the funny?  Where is the cuteness?  What is wrong with us?

But hey flies-you’ll be loving my house this month.  Thanks to an extended winter season and the destruction of our garbage receptacle by the D-O-G we have plenty of delightful things to offer our larval and adult fly population alike in our yard this month.  Get your kicks in now, because by next week we should have all the trash outta here and taken to the curb.  Sorry doggie, NO TRASH FOR YOU!

He's in my spot.

He’s in my spot.

I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time taking those silly quizzes on Facebook.  Let me give you a quick rundown of what I have learned about myself:  I’m Katherine Janeway, Captain of Voyager.  I’m Bill Hader.  I should join the X-Men.  I’m Captain America.  I’m Rainbow Brite.  I’m Bambi.  I’m a Lawful Neutral type person.  And I should be a lifeguard at a nude beach.

Did we mention the part where I really just need to get a life?  Where’s that quiz?

Oh myyyy... so young to be so grumpy so often...

Oh myyyy… so young to be so grumpy so often…

I’m a terrible, horrible parent.The Professor was conflict manager at recess recently and apparently was royally p.o.’d that there was no conflict. He announced that recess “sucked” because of that fact. I get why he was in trouble for it, and we talked about it, but I still found it funny. I at least waited until he was out of earshot to snicker.

Isn’t that kind of like the morale officer being mad because everyone is already happy?

Look out world, the real Sheldon Cooper is coming.

 ****

It’s a good weekend to be the Evil Genius.  His birthday is Saturday.  He has Good Friday off.  And had part of the day before as well.  And what did we spend the evening doing?  Watching beer commercials on the internet.  Be jealous, be very jealous of my exciting life.

She had her first official music concert this month.  It was a farm theme.  I think we pulled it off rather nicely!

She had her first official music concert this month. It was a farm theme. I think we pulled it off rather nicely!

I bought my first superhero shirt this week, the first one I’ve owned as an adult.  I think the last one I owned was a pair of Underoos back in the 1980s.  I’m finally publicly embracing my inner geek.  It has the Captain America shield on it and it is AWESOME!  (And if you want to embrace YOUR inner geek, I highly recommend going to see The Winter Soldier.)

*****

The Professor:  “It almost blew up my whole house! But it created some beautiful scenery!”  

Ah yes, Minecraft.  Everyone in my house is addicted to this game but me.  Am I mental?  I just do not see what’s so great about building stuff with blocks.  Maybe we need to just GET SOME BLOCKS?

No, not really.

No, not really.  Maybe she REALLY likes cheese?  My friend Teri at Snarkfest gets the finder’s fee for this one.

Where have I been these days?  I’ve been writing fiction.  Fiction that as of yet no one else has seen.  And may never.  What is so cool about fiction? The fact that you can totally control the storyline.  People never grow old and never die.  Oh wait, that’s the tagline for the movie Cocoon.  While I love my family dearly, now that my daughter is in school all day and I am working, and they’re all playing Minecraft, the funniness does not flow like I would like it to!

The OTHER reason why I'm not blogging so much...

The OTHER reason why I’m not blogging so much… Hi.

So what are you waiting for?  You’re just getting started getting your fill of fun, right??? Don’t forget to check out at least a couple of these lovely ladies!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://www.therowdybaker.com                                  The Rowdy Baker

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                                Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                          The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                          Follow me home . . .

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                 Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                            Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.impoverishedvegan.com                                Impoverished Vegan

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                             Juicebox Confession

http://www.gomamao.com                                         Go Mama O