I Peed My Pants At Wal-Mart and Other Tales of Mommy Incontinence

HA HA HA. Not.

We’re avoiding Target as much as possible these days because it’s just too darn fun.  Target just goes from 0 to $100 in no time flat.  It’s those dang end aisles, the clearance, and stuff that is just really cool!  Any list you bring in there somehow disintegrates or gets extra items added to it.  Therefore we’re forced to go to my least my favorite place in the world, Wal-Mart.  On the list today is the biggest bag of dog food for the smallest price and pasta that helps us poop. Sounds like a fun trip, doesn’t it?

Upon inspection of the dog food prices, it looked like the 50 pound bag of Ol’Roy was going to be the best deal.  Less than $20 for 50 pounds of dog food?  That’s, um, less than 50 cents a pound (don’t ask me to break it down more than that).  We’re used to buying the 17 pound bags of Puppy Chow with a coupon.  But this is MUCH cheaper.  I don’t know why we even bother, the dog would rather eat trash or steal our food than actually eat dog food.  I sat and watched him eat a stick today.  Really?

Of course now that I have made the decision that yes indeedy this is what we are going to buy, I realize that it may be difficult to get it into the cart.  How do other people buy that stuff anyway?  Do you go find someone and ask for them to haul it up front?  Oh wait, that’s Target.  Repeat after me, Target is BAD.  It has the hypnotic eye.

I study the bag carefully.  It’s only 50 pounds.  I’m not a professional weightlifter, I just say it like that because I have kids that weigh not much less than that who still insist on being carried.  But this bag is just so, BIG.  I figure I can probably slide it onto the bottom part of the cart.  I pulled on the bag, it slid towards me pretty easily.  I grabbed hold of it with all of my might and pulled it off the top of the pile.

And as the bag came off and into my waiting arms, I peed my pants.  That’s right, I dribbled right into my own undies.  I was now at Wal-Mart with a wet crotch, staggering around with a bag of dog food that weighed more than my seven year old son.  I really hope the “People of Wal-Mart” cam didn’t happen to be following me right at that moment.  If so, I can assure you that I am wearing adequate clothing and no children were buried under things in my cart.

I admit it, I’ve dribbled in more places than a leaky garden hose.  Thanks kids.

Ah the joys of motherhood.  It’s amazing how a body that can hold another human being inside of it can’t contain it’s own pee.  It’s not a new problem for me, I’ve had it since I gave birth to my son.  It’s not like I just pee my pants randomly though, there’s always some sort of force involved.

Have you ever walked down a hallway, stopped and crossed your legs because you knew a sneeze was coming?  I call it the “Antipee Maneuver”, because when you have those issues you have to make some adjustments to anything that involves moving around and muscle contractions.  Take the gym.  I used to go to exercise classes religiously at 5:30 in the morning two or three days a week (yeah I don’t know how I ever did that either).  It was ok except for anything that involved jumping.  I am unable to do jumping jacks without wetting myself.  So I do a sort of half  jack where I don’t actually spread my legs.  It’s more like just jumping while I wave my hands in the air. I also can’t jump rope.  When we would do jump roping, I would have to do it one leg at a time.  Fortunately no one else caught on that I was struggling.

It doesn’t stop there.  My husband knows darn well that he can make me pee my pants.  He knows because he’s seen me do it.  He’s been known to pick me up and shake me, tickle me, or sneak up and scare me, all with the same result-a little bit of tinkle in the nether regions.  This evening he thought it would be EXTREMELY funny to sit on me and tickle me.  I warned him about the consequences of said tickling-in other words I shrieked, “I HAVE ALREADY PEED MY PANTS ONCE TODAY, DON’T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN!!!!”  He quit, but more because I wasn’t being any fun than it was from my threatening voice.

At thirty eight years old, I know by now that it pays to be prepared for most situations.  But since I am ADD, I tend to NOT be prepared unless it’s that time of the month.  I just forget until it’s too late.  I’ve been known to have to buy new underwear when out and about for the day.  I’ve also been known to go home and change my pants and come back.  You’d think I’d learn to have either pantiliners or emergency underwear handy, much like I have extra underwear for my kids just in case.  Nope.

Hey I bet you’re wondering what happened to the bag of dog food.  Oh I got in on the cart.  I had to pretty much lay on the floor of the aisle and shove the bag on to the little part underneath the cart.  I also managed to somehow get it out of the cart and into my trunk.  It’s still in my trunk.  My husband can bring it in, because I bet he won’t pee his pants doing it.  Guys have it so easy.

It’s really hard to find images for this post. Just sayin.

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63 thoughts on “I Peed My Pants At Wal-Mart and Other Tales of Mommy Incontinence

  1. Aww! This post was so funny that *I* nearly peed my pants!! ;) It’s too bad it’s also really unfortunate, and not just funny. :/ Kwim? Have you ever been to a urologist about it? I have no idea if there’s anything that CAN be done, but at your age I’d be wantin’ to find out because it’s not as if you’re elderly (and it’s to be expected)!!!

  2. HAHAHA!!! Oh the joys of a mother’s bladder control. Also, I don’t know why I buy my dog “dog food” either, because she is always sitting under the high chair to eat the baby’s scraps.

      • I couldn’t agree more…Here’s one that might make you feel better. I am 24. I have a 2 and 3 year old. I haven’t had this issue until literally a few days ago. I took my kids to the indoor trampoline, took one good jump and didn’t just tinkle…I pissed my light grey sweat pants. I couldn’t stop crying and of course my husband thought it was hysterical watching me try to get to the door with my quite obvious peed pants!

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  4. Since high school, I have not been able to do a regular jumping jack, jump rope with both feet or jump on a trampoline. I can run, exert myself and sneeze without issue, but something about both feet jumping together and it’s all over. I vividly remember it happening in gym when I was a senior. We were jump roping and all of a sudden I noticed that every time I landed, there was a little gush in my pants. I was a cheerleader! Cheerleaders don’t pee their pants! No, not if they jump only on one foot at a time :)

    I can so picture you staggering around with the dogfood, wet crotch, unable to see the cart/kids/other customers. All for a bargain!

  5. HAhahha… I thought somehow I had been spared from this plight until the first time I jumped on a trampoline after my son was born. I thought I was being such a cool mom for getting up there to play. Nope. Just a regular mom peeing her pants.

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  7. I don’t know why it took me so long to read this post, but imagining you wrestling that bag of dog food into the cart was cracking me up. “I had to pretty much lay on the floor of the aisle…” was my favorite part!

    As you already know, I love a good pants pissing story!

  8. Kegels, Kegels, KEGELS!!! After 3 kiddos, I sit & do these CONSTANTLY. Of course, since I drink 8 bottles of water/day, I also have a bit of an incontinence issue myself. I can often be seen running full tilt into my home & leaving the door to the garage open for my 4 year old to make her way in, in her own time. :P

  9. Oh the burden of being a female. A man will never have to do the “Antipee Maneuver”. HILARIOUS post! Ellen

  10. I was laughing reading even though I read this one by you before (a classic)!! Thanks for linking this one up today at #FTSF. It fit in perfectly and hope you will come back next week and link up again. Thanks :) :)

  11. I remember the first time I peed myself in front of my husband. It was during my first pregnancy and he was astounded. I had c-sections and seem to have recovered reasonably well. But I never take any kind of exercise class without thoroughly emptying my bladder first!

  12. LOLOL! Embarrassing! Jumping after kids or even after age 30 is just a no-no, I’ve learned. Picturing you doing the half-jacks cracked me up! Thanks for linking this up – so glad you did!

  13. OMG, I just read this for the first time and I was CRYING laughing. It was hilarious. I feel so fortunate I haven’t had the pee issue since having my kid. I can’t hold a fart in to save my life, but at least I don’t pee myself when I sneeze or lift anything over 20 lbs.

    Thank you SO MUCH for the Friday night giggle! :)

  14. I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one…mine is usually because I forget to take a potty break and then I’m sprinting *too late* for the bathroom. :)

  15. Girl you had me rolling at “half jack”!!! Considering I had a ten pound baby natural I am surprised that I’ve never had this happen in my nether regions. He just left me with sporadic back pain so I dare not lift 50 pounds of anything. Visiting from FTSF

  16. It is a real issue for some ladies so in that way it isn’t funny.
    Aww, see, I know it is not correct of me to be laughing but here I am almost peeing myself ( 5 babies).

  17. It always make me sad/happy to see posts from other women about this- I hate being the crazy lady who pees her pants! Seriously, it happens more than just a leak and more than just at sudden movement. And oh joy, surgery won’t fix my particular kind and no meds have worked. URGH! It’s about enough to make me lock myself inside.

    Thanks for the laughs at both you and me!

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  19. The antipee maneuver! YES! I’m not proud to admit this, but I have been known to grab my crotch and apply pressure when a sneeze is coming (really attractive in public…most people cover their nose and mouth, I cover my urethra.) “Thanks, kids!” Bwhahahaha!

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  22. I peed my pants at Walmart too. I thought I was the only one. It was caused by a sneezing fit. I bought new yoga pants, under wear, and poise pads. There is no shame after three kids. Loving your blog; was introduced by Cloudy, with a Chance of Wine

  23. I know this is an old post, but I couldn’t help commenting in the off-chance someone might still be reading. A women’s health physical therapist can help this problem! It’s very common (as seen by all your commenters!) but NOT something you just have to live with. There are things you can do, without jumping to the invasive surgical option. PLEASE consider seeing a women’s health PT! http://www.womenshealthapta.org/plp/index.cfm

  24. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I have never peed my pants coughing, sneezing, laughing, bending down, running, jumping, lifting, walking, bouncing, stretching or lunging. Nope. Never. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put out this fire on my pants.

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